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Darcy

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Reply with quote  #1 
A true story. 

A woman separated from her husband for the third and final time because of serious problems in the marriage.  She took with her the gift from that marriage, her 8 year old son.  Two months later, while crossing a street, her son was hit by a car and suffered serious brain injury.

In some ways the event seemed to be foreseen.  The night before the accident, the woman experienced seeing only blackness, despite being in a well lit room.  The following morning her son excitedly conveyed a dream he'd had about flying with other people, the only dream he ever told her.

Their last words to each other were good bye, as he went off to school and she went off to work.  By the time she returned home from work, her son had been hospitalized and within less than 24 hours he died.

The child was buried high on a hill in a cemetery over looking the valley where he was raised.  Many people attended the funeral, including his teacher and the students from his class.

Today is the 30th anniversary of that child's death, and today that mother still grieves.  As a result of this loss, the woman learned to cherish what she has now because it may suddenly be gone tomorrow.  I am that woman, and this is part of my story.

Darcy

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Mk

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Reply with quote  #2 

Darcy,

How sad.  I grieve with you and for you.  (My granddaughter is 8 years old, and I can't imagine her being taken away from me.)

Thank God  your son shared his dream about heaven with you and be assured that is where he is.  Maybe that will make it hurt just a little less. 

Thank you for sharing a very private part of yourself with us.

Please have only happy memories today.

Mk

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dpellerin

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Reply with quote  #3 
Darcy,

I cannot imagine the burden of grief of loosing a child as I am not a parent but I understand from others its one of the most difficult events that can affect one's life.

I am saddened to hear about the loss of your child.

Thank you for sharing this very private moment with us. As MK has succinctly put it, think about happy the moments you had with him as a way to preserve his memory.

DP
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SandyTH

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Reply with quote  #4 
Darcy, thank you for sharing such a painful and personal story.  I applaud your bravery.  As a mother, myself, I won't even allow myself to imagine.  As a mother, I grieve deeply for you as well.  Our children are such precious gifts and to have them leave all too soon is the most painful experience we can encounter as parents.  I am so, so sorry you had to experience this.
 
When a relationship ends in death, we may recognize the loss intellectually, but it takes longer to get the message to our heart.  Maybe our inherently hopeful nature is a protective mechanism allowing us to endure grief in bite-size morsels. 
 
I have come to know you as a fun loving person with a tremendous spirit on this board.  Underneath all that is tremendous sadness and pain.  We really do not know each other.
 
You have shared with us the most tragic event of your life but I also know, this is not your son's life.  What I say comes from the heart of someone who has never experienced this pain but I also know that celebrating your son's life is the best way I can think of to honor him.
 
Please, tell us something about your son's life.  This is how I want to remember him.  I hope you will feel comfortable enough with us to do so.  I want to know this little boy you love so deeply.  I want his life to be embedded in my heart.
 
Remembering the Golden Rule and here today gone tomorrow is an excellent way to live our lives.  We just never know.  Thank you, Darcy.
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LynnMcLaren

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Reply with quote  #5 
Hi Darcy, (((( Hugs ))))

I just read your story of what happened to you..
I'm so sorry it must of been terrible for you..
I don't think a parent could ever get over loseing a child..
I have two and just watching the news makes me very cautious..

But I believe in the things that happened before hand for you..
Because I have expirenced certain situations like that in my life before..
Which just confirm's even more my faith and belief to me.

I am all of my expirences in life..
My expirences in life are who I am..
And why I have taken the road I have taken.. 
And believe in what I do...

There is no way though..
I will tell what all thoses expirences are on this board thou..
But other's in my life know..
And understand why I believe what I do in life...

But that you shared that with us and it must have been real
hard for you to do... 

All I can say is.... (((((( Hugs To You ))))

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Lynn
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lib

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Reply with quote  #6 

darcy,

your story has tears streaming down my face. i can not even imagine. i lost my mom at 14 and my dad at 15 and that pain and grief was almost unbearable. over the years, i am 36 now, the grief has changed as you know, but it never goes away.and the what ifs and i wonders are always there. you must feel love and trust here to share so much. i am glad you did, now is a tough time. i am with sandy, i would like to know as much as you would like to share with us about your son. i am sorry this happened. memories are ours to keep, they are here today, and are there for you tomorrow, hold them and cherish them, that is what your son is doing as well.

a huge hug,

libby

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Darcy

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Reply with quote  #7 
Thank you to all who posted comments to me in this thread. 

I have contemplated the request to share some of the happy memories of my son, and unfortunately they are far outweighed by the nightmare that my marriage was for me.  My husband was a battered child, and so he battered me and our child.  My husband was not a bad person, he was just acting out his own pain and doing what had been done to him.  As a result of what I was going through I was often on a short fuse and acted out my own pain by yelling at my son.  The night before he died  I had yelled at him once again, and vowed to myself, for the umpteenth dozen time, that I would stop yelling, that it was another form of violence and I must somehow break that cycle.

That night I felt that vow with a deeper conviction than I ever felt it before, and it was then that darkness descended upon me in that well lit room.  It was as if I had finally gotten what my son was there to teach me:   Stop the violence in all the subtle forms it can masquerade.  The next morning my son told me about his dream, and died shortly thereafter. 

My son's death is not about remembering happy memories; it's about what I believe he was here to teach me--stop the violence.  Find a better way. 

Below are the words to a song I have performed in public several times.  For me this song commemorates the memory of my son.

Darcy


Rhymes and Reasons
- John Denver

So you speak to me of sadness
And the coming of the winter
Fear that is within you now
It seems to never end
And the dreams that have escaped you
And the hope that you've forgotten
You tell me that you need me now
You want to be my friend

And you wonder where we're going
Where's the rhyme and where's the reason
And it's you cannot accept
It is here we must begin
To seek the wisdom of the children
And the graceful way of flowers in the wind

For the children and the flowers
Are my sisters and my brothers
Their laughter and their loveliness
Would clear a cloudy day
Like the music of the mountains
And the colors of the rainbow
They're a promise of the future
And a blessing for today

Though the cities start to crumble
And the towers fall around us
The sun is slowly fading
And it's colder than the sea
It is written from the desert
To the mountains they shall lead us
By the hand and by the heart
They will comfort you and me
In their innocence and trusting
They will teach us to be free

For the children and the flowers
Are my sisters and my brothers
Their laughter and their loveliness
Would clear a cloudy day

And the song that I am singing
Is a prayer to non believers
Come and stand beside us
We can find a better way



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LynnMcLaren

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Reply with quote  #8 

Hi Darcy, (((( Smiles ))))

 

What a beautifull song...

Will we find a better way...

Yes.. I believe we will someday..

But not now...

But on the path.....

 

We are are all so imperfect at times..

Short tempered at times..

Do things we wish we could take back at times...

But within our hearts..

There is a place to be found...

Which contains...

The memories of life...

The memories of love....

We hold it there....

Within us...

It lives on...

Forever.....

We never truely lose it...

The memory is allways there..

For us.....

 

Hold on to it..

Of what you love..

Sorry about your lose..

Life can be so hard sometimes...

(((( Big Hugs ))))  (((( To You )))) 


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Lynn
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Mk

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Reply with quote  #9 

Darcy,

I am giving you a big hug right now.  I hope you can feel it.

I will either e-mail or pm you as soon as I have time.

MK

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lib

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Reply with quote  #10 

darcy,

my mother was abusive in different emotional ways to me, she was also an alcoholic. my father was different, he did not communicate, and did not see the big picture.

my mothers cousin came to me after my fathers suicide, and she told me, Now is the time to break the chain of action and reaction. it took me a long time to Get It, but i do now as i was a kid then. and in tragic times we learn lifes mot valuable lessons.

you sound like you have come so far, and so much to be proud of . i am sure your son is proud too.

hugs,

libby

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Darcy

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Reply with quote  #11 
Mk -  Thank you for your support.  I am feeling better today.  A little headachy, but better than yesterday.

Libby - I'm sorry to hear about your father's suicide.  That must have been hard on you.  My mother wasn't an alcoholic, but my father was, and like your father he didn't communicate much.  My mother was an orphan, with her own set of problems, but her faith is strong, and she never gives up, which is evidenced in part by her many marriages (seven so far). 

Hugs

Darcy
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Mk

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Reply with quote  #12 

Hi Lib, Darcy, everyone,

I never got a chance to get back to this yesterday.  I had planned on pm-ing you both , but since you've shared on the board, I guess I can also.

First off, it's not my intent to see who's had the most tragic life, but maybe to show that; we may come on here and talk to each other about our ear troubles and our day to day struggles, but ALL of us has a story, and I think we need to remember that our H or T or whatever we have is only a part of that story.  (I guess what I'm saying is I wish everyone could be kinder.)

 

So any ways, here's my Reader Digest Condensed version. I was born the 4th of 6 kids, to parents that would rather party than take care of us.  We were all taken away, in two's, to be placed in homes.  My brother and I were separated by the courts because the family that wanted us both didn't have enough bedrooms.  We were 3 & 4.  He stayed, I went into foster care.  14 foster homes later, I was adopted by a nice family, one year later, my adoptive father died from pneumonia complications.  My adoptive Mom took her 2 young children and moved away.  I was in the 11th grade and on the streets.  I got pregnant, got married (to an alcoholic), got beat,...regularly.  When his anger started to be directed to my child, the only thing on earth that was mine, I left.  I made a life for myself and my Daugherty, and it was not easy, having no family, and after that marriage, no friends, but I did it.  Then I met my husband, we eventually got married, we fought my x, my husband adopted my daughter, and here we are today.  Things have not been all hearts and flowers, (if you do some math you will see that my daughter was 16 when I became a grandmother).  A whole lot of stuff has happened from the time (nearly 25 years ago) we met til today.

 

We all have baggage of some kind, and I thank you guys for sharing yours with us.  All that stuff in our lives makes us who we are today.  Our experiences can either make us better or bitter...It's our choice...I choose to be better.

 

We are a tough bunch aren't we!?

Mk

 

ps Darcy, you were in my thoughts since I read your story.  I'm so glad you feel better today.

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lib

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Reply with quote  #13 

i am glad you feel better too darcy. mk your story is a sad one as well, i was adopted at 15 by my friends parents, i was lucky in that respect. i am amazed at what we all have in common to different degrees. and i do think we have all come out better, not bitter, thanfully.

i hope every one has a wonderful, peaceful weekend.

hugs to both of you,

libby

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Darcy

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Reply with quote  #14 
Mk,

You wrote (in part):
...we may come on here and talk to each other about our ear troubles and our day to day struggles, but ALL of us has a story, and I think we need to remember that our H or T or whatever we have is only a part of that story.  (I guess what I'm saying is I wish everyone could be kinder.)

While for the most part I have found the people on this board to be kind and supportive, it's not always the case, and it's what prompted both my Good Intentions threads.  I think telling our stories can be very therapeutic when met with empathy, acceptance and caring, versus negativity, judgment  and  "shoulds" from people who haven't walked in your shoes.

Thank you for sharing part of your story, and supporting me in telling part of mine.

Hugs

Darcy
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Darcy

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Reply with quote  #15 
Libby,

You wrote (in part):

your story has tears streaming down my face. i can not even imagine. i lost my mom at 14 and my dad at 15 and that pain and grief was almost unbearable. over the years, i am 36 now, the grief has changed as you know, but it never goes away.and the what ifs and i wonders are always there...


Thank you for sharing this part of your story.  It's what gave me the courage to come forward and write about the battering.  That part of my story was not  easy for me to share.  And still it's only the tip of the iceberg.  I know there is so much more to all of our stories. 


Hugs

Darcy
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