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stresseemoijms

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Posts: 41
Reply with quote  #1 
I am at a point where I find that I need human connection a lot more than I wanted to believe and yet being around loved ones hurts too much. I am tired of having to explain myself over and over again "please don't do that it hurts my ears" over the same things, nearly every day. I have sent my friends and loved ones (honestly I am not even sure I love anyone anymore after all this) articles describing what it's like, I have asked them nicely, again and again, I have lost my temper numerous times, gotten to a point where I am stuck between feeling like it's bad that I am losing my temper and also feeling like when I've had to ask them not to do something for over a year and they are still doing it well I have a right to be angry. I am exhausted from asking people not to hurt me. It makes me want to cut people off but then I also don't want to be a hermit in a cave. I've been pushing away the people I care about the most. But I also question whether they really care about me if they are hurting me in the first place and won't make any effort to change. How have you dealt with this?
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Explorer

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Reply with quote  #2 
One thing I've learned over the years of living with this is that generally people would rather hurt you than be mildly inconvenienced in their habits.  It's this type of condition that shows the true colors of humanity; the vast majority of people don't care about how others feel, no matter how much they project that they do.

Once I accepted this realization, I gave up trying to make others understand.  I recluded socially and stopped talking to the people I used to associate with.  This isn't an ideal solution, and I hate living like this, but at least it is better than the pain of the condition, and the pain of only being seen as a living joke to those around you.

Ultimately it could be a lot worse.  I have a roof over my head and I have food.  I have access to the internet and cheap entertainment.  Much of the world doesn't have this, so I try to stay thankful for what I've got.  I try to find beauty and purpose in simpler things.  It's hard, but I have to keep trying.
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stresseemoijms

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Reply with quote  #3 
Thanks for your candid reply, I appreciate that kind of honesty. It's true I do find the vast majority only care about themselves and their true colors come out when they have to put someone else before themselves. But for the last part I don't think anyone should have to settle for substandard living alone with no meaningful relationships. I won't go back to just burying away my hope and my needs - humans need connection - loneliness has been linked to so many illnesses. I know that I need something more than survival mode. I have been in survival mode for many years. There has to be a way to either get people to care and understand or find the ones who do.

I don't want to just give up on humanity.

But it's rare to find someone who will love you in spite of all of the ways in which you inconvenience them.
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anniekin

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Reply with quote  #4 
I have asked myself many of the same questions about why people are being insensitive, unable to remember, clueless, etc with their loudness, and I have had to realize that how people talk is so fundamental to how they are and have always been, that although it seems to us like it is not asking that much to ask them to lower the volume of their voices or whatever they are doing, it is actually very difficult for SOME people to change what they do even when you wear a neon sign on your chest asking for quiet. And people associate being asked to be quieter with being punished. Some feel shamed, some rebel.

I have friends who have had no difficulty at all being quieter around me, and other who were so bad at it that I thought they must resent having to try and were quietly refusing to do so. These different friends care about me equally. But when I asked a few of those people who were not being considerate what was going on, they just said they couldn't remember. So I remind them over and over, just like deaf people say "what?" a hundred times a day. We are stuck with that responsibility.

So I frame it to myself more in terms of the lack of skill and awareness and focus of other people than lack of caring on their part. There IS a difference. I find it easier when I am  frustrated to be thinking, man people are such idiots, than to be thinking nobody cares about me! I also pop my noise cancelling headphones on and it is a big fat hint that it is noisy.

Hope this helps. And I hope at least some of the people in your life can get with the program. 
Anniekin


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stresseemoijms

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Posts: 41
Reply with quote  #5 
Thank you. I agree that it helps to frame it that way and that is very good advice as far as not taking it personally. Something that I apparently have to work on. At the end of the day though I can't really continue to be around people that cause me intolerable pain on a consistent basis with no concern for how it affects me. It's a conundrum. Thanks for your input.
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bananacupcakes

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Reply with quote  #6 
Hyperacusis is such a weird condition because it's heavily reliant on the surrounding environment. We don't have a lot of control over it, unless we lock ourselves up in a soundproof room. But even then, we can still end up hurting ourselves from coughing, sneezing, chewing, etc. It's like having a really severe allergy. Too bad our allergen is very hard to avoid. It's like having an allergy to life.

Anyway, it's not that people are insensitive. It's just that it's incomprehensible to them that normal sounds hurt us. Some people are more considerate than others but all of them sometimes forget to be careful, especially in a social setting where there are others present.

In this world, we are the freaks, the outcasts, the tiny minority, and the best way to cope is avoid people as much as possible. You'll probably get depression from being alone, but that's the thing about hyperacusis, it's a bottomless pit of misery.

Sorry can't be more positive, but I've had H for more than a year now and the best way for me not to be in pain is not to be with people. I'm an introvert so this works for me, though I know the loneliness will kill me sooner or later. But I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
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Aplomado

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Reply with quote  #7 
I think it is just that people cannot fathom how even low level sounds can be painful.  It isn't that they are mean, they just cannot understand.  At all.
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BA

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Reply with quote  #8 
this is interesting and helpful.     It makes me feel that everyone else 'isn't magically coping with it' and I am the weak one.   I discovered only recently that there is a 'condition'  and that I am not just an impatient person who can't stand noisy people, and people who 'shout'.

I realize I have had this a loooong time, and only just realized there is actually a reason for it.  A relief ( big one ) is some ways, is knowing in wasn't the only impatient, intolerant person in the world, who would get up at 3 am to go tell some neighbor to shut something off as I couldn't sleep. 

Here I see comments about people closing off outside company which although sad I am coming to realize that in some circumstances it's about the only way to find peace.

After my divorce I took several years before really dating again, and have been for 10 years with the sa,e lady. The thing is when she wants to row over something, she insists on shouting, and I have to keep asking her not to shout, that I am happy to discuss something all day,  but I can't do it when she raisies her voice as I can't concentrate on what she's saying.

Plus I explain, numerous times, that I am seriously not rational when I trying to top my head from exploding when she's shouting and even if she wants a solution she's just likely to get, " Let's call it a day" as I just can't see myself married to her knowing this is going to happen.

I try walking off till she calms down but she follows me speaking very loud.

I am seriously considering having some control at least in my home and living on my own or finding someone who understands and respects my situation,  She knows about, and we have researched it so she gets it, always carried ear plugs for me, as I always do, yet when she decides she wants a row, all bets are off.   It's just a nightmare.      

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stresseemoijms

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Reply with quote  #9 
To find someone who understands and accepts you as you are, feels your pain as deeply as you feel it, and would never do anything to consciously hurt you is nothing short of magic.
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Margy

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Reply with quote  #10 
I understand and agree that other people are not really able to understand this sensitivity we have, and I have some troubles with that, too.

However, yelling during a heated conversation is just not necessary, and a lot of people with normal hearing would not be able to put up with it. Anyone can learn to argue without raising ones voice if the other one is not being loud. And if they are aware that the other person is in pain, shouting is really an assault. It’s just not acceptable.
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Aplomado

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Reply with quote  #11 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BA

I try walking off till she calms down but she follows me speaking very loud.

I am seriously considering having some control at least in my home and living on my own or finding someone who understands and respects my situation,  She knows about, and we have researched it so she gets it, always carried ear plugs for me, as I always do, yet when she decides she wants a row, all bets are off.   It's just a nightmare.      



Sounds like you need a new girlfriend.  Or none at all.
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stresseemoijms

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Reply with quote  #12 
Just find a girl that has hyperacusis. Problem solved! :-P
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rodmccain

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Reply with quote  #13 
Normal sounds don't give me pain any more.  The WHOLE WORLD including people's voices are just too intrusively loud!   Like the volume is up way too high and you can't turn it down, or get away from it.   On top of that, I have several different T sounds going on most of the time and change and come and go.  So my problem with people keeping their voices down, is worsened T along with the amplification, and I can tell you it's no fun!    I find they react the same way though.  I am tired of telling people to moderate their voice.  I am tired of wearing earplugs, or muffs.  I am just dang tired and worn out from all of this.  I tried for 2 1/2 years to "get use to sound," so now lately I have decided to get out from time to time, with some sort of hearing protection. 

I guess you just can't let it bother you.  People forget and they are going to be themselves.  I do have one friend that comes to visit me though, that ALWAYS keeps her voice down!  My daughter is finally "getting it."  On the other had my younger son is terrible. He doesn't even make the effort !

For the holidays, I believe I will need to resort to earplugs.  

Good luck, and take care!
Kathy McCain


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jimmybpowell

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Reply with quote  #14 
Just wish to say I appreciate this honesty of discussion.  That is a help to me.  
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Jimmah
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